It's hard to explain exactly how I am doing.
Physically -- post surgery I feel fine. I'm walking about and should be back to normal in a day or two.
However, every creek in my body now gets associated for a moment with potential cancer. I have a cramp in my side and I wonder -- might that be cancer? I don't remember feeling that before - I wonder is it connected to some cancer organzism growing in my body?
My progrnosis -- post treatment -- remains excellent 95%+. So on one hand -- I feel like the same Andy and a person who ihas it now worse than someone whos going to have a bad reovery from a surgery. Kind of like I'll need 6 months of PT. I sort of imagine myself going through the equivalent to someone post a major shoulder or knee surgery. Most of the time I can hold onto my prognosis -- even though most other people hear the word cancer and associate it with all the bad cancers and bad outcomes they know about. I find myself saying that I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and that it "almost certainly is cureable" and has "95% cure rates" so that people can calibrate what I've got more readily....and so that I can avoid the look of "sorrow" or "portential death" on their face. When I do this -- i do it for them ....and for me.
The weight of the cancer word on my psyche and on other people's psyche is real -- I am changed through this in my eyes and in others.....and that's the real impact of this illness. A couple examples:
- When I walked down the hall to see the doctor, I felt middle aged and frail and vulberable. I wasn't the 30 something kid ready to tackle the world. I was Andy Sack with cancer.
- And I've changed in the eyes of others -- on of my friends was asked how he was donig....and his response was ...."my best friend has fucking cancer, how do you think I'm doing". This is significant because I don't feel that bad and doint' think of myself as very different....and yet in his mind and heart I have a fucking cancer and might die.
And then there's the practical implications of the cancer. Now I find myself worrying about all these associated implications to my life. I got worried that your partners might want to back out of backing techstars....or that someone might impose a new leader for "my own benefit" . I worry about health insurance and now that I have cancer will i be able to get it if I'm not working at a bigger firm.
How's that for a real answer to "how are you doing"?